Six steps for setting healthy boundaries with people

I don't want to be a people pleaser. I wish I was a bold, independent person who stands up for oneself under any circumstance. I wish to be courageous enough to stop people from trampling over me and using me as bait for their daily issues. I just want to say "no" to every bullshit request they make to me. 

There was a time when I didn't care what people would think of me; whether they would consider me a jerk or selfish, I didn't give a damn. I used to say to myself that if people don't like me it's their problem, not mine. I was living in my own world and had immense pride in my self-identity. 

And I don't know what got into me nowadays. I say yes to every stupid request they ask for me. I am afraid that if I don't fulfil their request, they will think bad of me. I am burning a lot of my time and energy, trying to please everyone and be a good person in their eyes. 

I also forgive people too easily. When they make negative comments on me, which was to deliberately hurt me, I still smile and get along with that person. And due to such habits, most of the relationships I have are toxic ones. I tolerate their inappropriate behaviour without any word. I am afraid that I might hurt their feelings. I don't want to be labelled as a foul-mouthed person.

But this has to change. I want to return to my previous self, who seldom cared about other people's issues, who didn't give a damn what people thought of me, and who showed the middle finger to all those who hurt me. I see some of my friends who are bold, assertive and never care what others think of them. They have many haters and an equal number of admirers as well. Seeing them evokes strong feelings that I have to be independent and fearless people just like them.

As with all of my problems, Google and YouTube, my dearest buddies, were once again there for me to rescue. I probed through all the articles on the first search page and watched countless videos on YouTube, trying to identify my problem and solutions. And most of them suggested that my problem was not having any personal boundaries. 

Personal Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves around what we will tolerate or will not tolerate. Boundaries distinguish me from the outside world. They allow me to have space between myself, and another, and are the foundation of healthy relationships. It gives you an identity and it is a way to stop people from crossing their limits. 

There are mainly four types of personal boundaries:

• Physical

Your personal space, your body and your privacy

• Emotional

Your feelings and emotions.

• Sexual

Your expectations around physical intimacy.

• Intellectual

This encompasses your ideas and beliefs.

• Financial

This boundary is all about money

Realizing that I lacked healthy boundaries was just the first step for changing my present condition. The second step was to learn how I could set those boundaries. And it again took quite a lot of research to learn the basics.

I had started applying the techniques I learned for a week now and It has already broken a lot of my friendships. But it was a relief that those who became dissatisfied with my boundaries are trampling over me and causing me to burn out. Our relationship was toxic and sooner or later I would have raised my voice. Those who respect me and stay with me even after I have changed, are my true friends. So setting boundaries was also a test for me to see if my friends are really keeping the best intentions towards me.

Now, there might be some of you who are facing a similar situation. Being a male in a patriarchal society, it was easier for me to set the boundaries. Had I been a woman, I would have met with much greater resistance. In our society, boundaries are difficult to set if you are a girl because you’re taught to say yes to others. You’re conditioned to be maternal and to focus on helping others. From a young age, you are taught to be people-pleasing, accommodating, and self-sacrificial. 

But whether you are a boy or girl, you can take initial steps to set healthy boundaries and see if it works for you. And I would like to share with you some techniques I know so that you can also cultivate a more powerful version of your present personality.

• Start small

If you are an open person like me, then keeping rigid boundaries too soon will give you much resistance. It's best to take it one step at a time. Rather than getting all worked up about this boundary setting, it's better to slowly incorporate it into your day to day life. 

For eg. Practice saying “no thanks” without giving a reason. And give them the reason only if they really ask for it. Don't spew too many excuses for saying "no" to their offer.

• Be consistent

When you set a boundary, be consistent in it. Your boundaries are how you teach other people how to behave towards you. And if you exhibit conflicting boundaries quickly, people will be confused about how they should treat you and it might also evoke new expectations from you. So be sure to keep the form of your boundaries stable and if you wish to add some extras to your boundaries, take one small step at a time.

• Talk, talk, talk

When you feel someone is trampling over you or using you, try to talk about it. Be assertive in your words. Don't make it a lengthy conversation. Talk to him clearly that you are feeling his certain behaviours are inappropriate. In most cases, just making a healthy conversation will solve your problems.

• If all else fails, delete and ignore

Even if you try to set healthy boundaries and talk about your problems, there will be some people who will not respect your boundaries no matter what you do. In that situation, it's best to just ignore them and make them realize that you aren't dependent on them. This method can be hard when the person bothering you is your family or coworker. But still, see for anyways or circumstances to ignore them and make them understand that you are triggered at their whim. 

• Be your biggest champion

During the initial phase of setting boundaries, you will feel bad for letting people down. Though unintentional, you might hurt other people's feelings. And consequently, you might feel you are creating conflicts in your relationship. But boundaries do not equal conflict. If we practice them the right way, they can actually serve as the opposite. They will strengthen our relationship and make it remain for years. Keeping Toxic relationships means the relationship is doomed to fall apart in a very nasty manner. 

So if you ever feel bad for setting boundaries, tell yourself that you are training yourself to be bold, assertive, independent and courageous. You are also setting the foundation for healthy relationships and filtering out toxic people from our life.

• Respect others' Boundaries

Those who don't have their own boundaries, can't respect other people's boundaries either. Like you, other people also have their own form of boundaries and you must abide by them. And if you have trouble accepting other people's boundaries, you might be a toxic person around. So always be mindful of that.

Just like you don't want to be controlled by other people, other people feel the same. So always make sure to understand other people's boundaries and give proper respect to them.